Info:
    Name: Michael
    Age: 34
    Location: Las Vegas, Nevada
    Occupation: Auto parts counterman
    Interests: Astronomy, Sci-Fi (Reading and Watching), Real-Time Strategy Games,
    Singing, and chatting on-line. There is so much to me that makes me, ME

    CONTACT INO:

    • E-MAIL ME
      Please include "LiveLog" in the subject line. If you do not, It will not make it past the spam filter.

    • WEB CAM STATUS

    • If you use mIRC, my room can be found on server chat.camarades.com, and the channel is #1029090026.

Random musings of a very strange man

Here's my attempt to help those interested know and understand me a little better. Some of what I will say here will most likely contradict what I say in my chat room or in private messages. This is the place where I will do the hardest thing I can think of... be totally honest about who I am and what I am feeling. If you are a friend, maybe you don't want to know this much, but if you *are* a friend, maybe you won't care

I can't say that I will faithfully make an entry every day, but who knows, maybe this will be habit forming. Only time will tell.

I do have a request of those of you who do not have a "membership" to LiveLog. Please include your name at the end of your comment, or use the email link below to let me know who you are. I do read your comments and value them.
What a difference a year makes   Tue Jun 29, 2004 8:35
    As I begin to write this, it is a few minutes from midnight. June 28th is at an end. All day I have been thinking about the entry I made a year ago, and this day bears no resemblance to last year with two exceptions. 1. I am still single and 2. I had to work today. Everything else was different.
    My Straight Boyfriend (aka My roomie) Did something for me that has not happened since I was about seven or eight years old. I had a birthday part. He even went so far as to get a hold of two of the only friends I have in town and arranged for them to come by. So, in a sense, it was a surprise party.
    I came home to find that there was BBQ going and Roomie and his Gal-Pal were in the kitchen fixin' up a bunch of vittles. That wasn't so much of a surprise. I knew he would do something for dinner. I was blown away when Mike and Frank showed up.
    I had already had a number (I lost track of how many I had throughout the night) of shots of Peach Schnapps, when they showed up so I was already feeling good. Having friends that I hadn't seen for a while come over pushed me over the edge. I had to leave the room for a few minutes while I regained control of my emotions.
    We had a wonderful dinner, and then did nothing more than sat and had a good time. I was pretty much the center of attention. I think it might be easy to blame it on the alcohol, but I had, and for the most part still do, a big grin on my face. I honestly don't remember the last time I was this happy. I am still drunk beyond belief right now, but I can feel myself sobering up. It's a good thing I used a vacation day for tomorrow.
    I've told roomie that I was in danger of falling in love with him. That was in the past. I now have a better understanding of the feelings I have for him. Some part of me will always be in love with him. After what he did for me tonight, I can't imagine that it is possible to love my friend anymore than I do now. We've been room mates for almost a year now, and I know without a doubt in my mind that if it weren't for meeting him and forging a relationship, I would not be alive today to have experienced such a wonderful day. I don't know how I will ever be able to express to him the happiness he gave me this day. Are there ever enough words to truly tell someone how much you love them?
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Was that a knock on the door?   Sat Apr 24, 2004 7:15
    Opportunity not only knocked, but it rang the door bell, tried the knob to see if it was unlocked, and then slipped a note under the door to let me know that it was waiting on the other side. It wasn't that I couldn't hear it. It would appear that I am too stupid to have gotten off of my ass to open the door. I just sat there, and believe it or not, I got pissed off that I was being handed, on a satin pillow no less, the chance to do something about my loneliness.
    Roomies gal-pal invited us, last night, to come to the bar she is a waitress at to meet some of her friends, and for me in particular, to meet a guy named Scott. Scott is gay too. It seems that the reason why he, and other of her friends, were all gathering at this bar was because it is Scott's going away party. He is moving to Utah. I know what Gal-Pal is thinking. In her mind, she thinks that just because I am gay and this Scot guy is gay, we will hit it off big time and become the best of friends.
    I agree to go to her bar after work after work tonight (Friday). I even act like I am enthused by the idea. The only reason I said I would is because I know that Roomie wants to spend as much time with her as possible. So, in order to make him happy, I plan on going. Almost immediately, I am telling myself how much I don't want to go. I am even resentful of how this "bitch" thinks she knows what is good for me. I'm pissed. "How dare she presume to know who I will like and why!!" (Could it be that the reason I am getting so indignant is that while I am in my bedroom bitching and moaning, she and Roomie are in the living room screwing like rabbits?)
    So today at work, I have a chance to talk to Roomie. I ask him what time we are meeting. He tells me that he thought we would meet at 8pm. Out of the blue, I turn into a raving hormonal bitch. I state that, in no uncertain terms, will I not drive all the way home, just to drive all the way back to go to some bar. He tries to tell me that he already told some other folk that we both know, that he and I would meet them there at 8, but I didn't even pay attention to that. I then begin to whine about how I didn't want to go to some straight bar to meet a bunch of straight people and some guy (implied the word "fag") that was moving out of state anyway. I told him that the only reason I said I would go was because Gal-Pal asked me to. I really don't know the exact words he said after that, but he tried again to tell me that he had already planned things differently. I basically shit all over him with my pissed off emotional state, and walked off saying that I had to get back to work.
    Guilt began to creep in. Later on in the day I called him and tried to apologize. I love my Roomie and want him to be happy so I asked him what he wanted to do. I was trying to say that I was wrong, and that I wanted to know about the plans he had already made. He started to tell me about how he had talked to some folks we know and how they would be meeting us at the bar after I got off of work. It suddenly got busy and I abruptly had to end the phone call, but I told him that I would call him right back. I didn't get the chance until shortly before I was done for the day, but only the answering machine answered.
??? I left work and had to deal with heavy traffic on the way to Gal-Pal's bar. The bad traffic gave me the perfect excuse to re-enter my foul mood. The anger and resentment came back like an old familiar friend. I get to the bar just as Roomie is walking in. We go in and I steer us to a table off to the side and away from everyone else. I did this even as he was suggesting that we sit at the bar, but I was determined to avoid having a good time. Gal-Pal came by within a few minutes and got me a soda and a beer for Roomie She said that her friends were on the other side of the bar and that we should go over and meet them. The next time she passes by she again nudges us over.
    My first thought is: I don't really like going to bars, let alone straight bars. I continue on with: Why on Earth would I want to meet a bunch "breeders"? I resolve to myself that I am not going to meet this guy Scott. Why should I? He's moving away. God! Why is this bitch being so pushy? Doesn't she see that I have no desire to be social? (Have I gone off the deep end, or what?!) She tells us that her friends are gonna think we are being anti-social if we don't go over and join them. After she leaves to take care of her customers, I tell Roomie that I am ready to leave, and use the excuse that it is because I am tired from work, and I am done waiting for our other friends to show up.
    At that point a woman comes over and tells us that they have set up another table for us to sit at and that we should come one over. She goes back, and Roomie tells me that he is uncomfortable being around a bunch of folk he doesn't know, but that if he is willing to go over, then I should go too. We go over and are introduced to everyone there. I smile and say hello to each, but as soon as we are offered a seat, I chime in with, "Thanks anyway, but I was planning on leaving." I probably would have gotten the same surprised look if I had hocked a loogie on the floor at their feet. If I had tried a little harder, I think I could have been a little more rude about it. A blind man could have seen that I wasn't at all interested in being there. I wasn't finished yet. When Gal-Pal came by and pushed me to sit and interact, I told her I was leaving. She tried to bribe me with another soda. I lied and told her that I was tired and that I still had to be up early in the morning for work. I could tell she was.. I dunno... disappointed. I immediately felt bad about it, but not after she said, "Oh good. If you're at work, then we'll have the place to ourselves to have 'fun'" "Cunt" was all I had to say.... to myself.
    I hurry out the door and even as I am getting into my car, a string of hateful obscenities are falling out of my mouth. "Stupid whore! Stop trying to drive a wedge between us!. Who the hell are you? Are you so fucking stupid that you think that I will just fall into bed with some fag you know?" I am on the verge of being in a full outrage. For some reason, I had the presence of mind to actually drive like a sane person. I get home, and for the last three hours, I have been ranting like an idiot here.
    Part of me knows that she was only trying to help me. I know that Roomie cares about me, and because he does, so does she. But the irrational side of me can't stop thinking that she is trying to keep me from spending time with Roomie. I know that he has told her about my loneliness, and all she tried to do was introduce me to some people I might get to know, and possibly, like enough to want to spend time with. But my illness prevents me from seeing anything but deception and manipulation. Worst of all, it kept me from not only opening the door to that particular opportunity, but it allowed me to choose to run opportunity off by hanging a big "DO NOT DISTURB" sign on the knob.
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Ooooaammmmm..... Ooooooaammmmm....   Fri Mar 26, 2004 6:23
    One of the things my brain doctor... err... sorry Cai... My Psycologigt... told me to try doing, was to create a mantra. He shared with me what his was, so I could have an idea of what he meant. His was rather long and complicated, but then again he has had years to work on it. I started thinking about it, and several times I thought I had something. I would try chanting it to myself, but then I would realize that it wasn't really what I wanted to tell myself, nor was it something I could convince myself was real, or for that matter, possible. Several days later, I think I finally found something that works for me.
    For going on three weeks now, I have been dealing with a lingering viral infection that has settled in my ears and throat. This past Tuesday, I was feeling particularly drained and went straight to bed when I got home. As I was laying there trying to get my mind to settle down so I could get some sleep, I started to try a little self-hypnosis to clear my mind. It was then that my mantra began to form... I am at peace.... I am at peace....
    As I was laying on my bed, I could hear my Roomie puttering about the apartment. He stopped by the door a few times to check on me. Before I crawled into bed he had offered to make me soup to help settle my stomach. I was happy to have him around. Phase two of my Mantra... I am at peace... I have happiness in my life... I am at peace... I have happiness in my life...
    After a few minutes of chanting that in my head, I began to realize that instead of helping me to sleep, I was helping me to heal. It was only a beginning though. I remembered what my shrink told me. "Fake it 'til you make it" So, while Peace and Happiness were simmering in the background, I began to think about what I needed to improve about myself. So many things jumped up at me. How in the world am I supposed to convince myself that I posses a desirable quality, when I can't even seem to make a decision about about what quality I am supposed to have? Do I want to be more aggressive when it comes to meeting people? Should I tell myself that I really am an attractive man? Maybe I should try to get myself to believe that I don't need to eat nearly as much as I do. Getting myself to be more forceful about what I want seems like a good idea. I just can't focus on any one thought. And as I am in the midst of an indecisive rip-tide, my Peace and Happiness are going cold. I yell at myself, "Will you stop being such a wuss, and just make a choice! God! Can't you ever just do something and let it be the right thing?" Bingo! Phase three... I am at peace... I have happiness in my life... I have confidence and strength... I am at peace... I have happiness in my life... I have confidence and strength...
    After a while I began to think that it was somehow incomplete. Incomplete isn't the right word. Lacking a sense of closure feels like a better way of saying it. Thoughts of sleep are long gone and Peace, Happiness, Confidence, and Strength are pushed to the back burner as my mind begins to wander about. For reasons unknown to me, I begin to remember past conversations with friends, both in person, and on the net. The words of my Irishman, left in an earlier journal entry, popped to the forefront. He opened himself up and comforted me by telling me what it was like for him to have dealt with issue much like what I am going through now. It's been well over a decade since the two of us were "involved" with each other, yet in that moment I had a vivid reminder of how much it means to care for one another. Could it be? Was that the closure I was missing? I am at peace... I have happiness in my life... I have confidence and strength... I have compassion for those who do not... I am at peace... I have happiness in my life... I have confidence and strength... I have compassion for those who do not...
    So there I am. Laying in bed, and soon I become aware that there seems to be a buzzing in the room with me. It dawns on me that I am no longer chanting it in my mind, but I am saying it aloud, softly, to myself. I allow myself a small grin. I have found a way to remind myself of some of the things that I want to change about myself, as well as some of what the things that are good and true about myself. I can now start to reprogram how I think and act when I interact with others. And yet, I still have miles to go. At least now, I have the beginnings of a map to follow.
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The wagon? Who needs it!   Sat Mar 20, 2004 17:17
    There comes a point in every celibate's life when he decides that, while celibacy is a good idea on paper, it just doesn't work when you have a libido that is constantly in overdrive.
    Last Tuesday morning, I was still sleeping when I began to realize that I was having one of the most erotic dreams I had ever had. It was one of those really strange dreams where impossible things happen, yet, despite all the weirdness going on, I was fulfilling a fantasy. A certain room mate of mine and I were... I was going to try and find a nice safe euphemism here, but the truth is, he was fucking my brains out. Though I consider myself to be a "top", I was enjoying the dream. Actually, "enjoying" is an understatement. If I hadn't woken up, I am certain that I would have had my first wet dream.
    The fact that I was on the receiving end of anal sex wasn't what made the dream strange. It was because of how my roomie appeared in the dream. In the dream he was a latin man of small frame, bald, and he was uncircumcised. The only resemblance to my room mate is that they are both shorter than I am. Yet I know, without doubt, that the latino in my dream was him. It wasn't until last night that I realized why that was.
    My roomie is one of the most unique straight men I have ever run across. He is able to show me caring and compassion that just is not possible from other men. Though he is a bit uncomfortable doing it, he will hug me when I need it, and has even allowed me to give him a kiss on the forehead. I could go on and on, but the long and the short of it is, he is constantly trying to give to me the things that I need to feel good about life. The only limit is physical and romantic intimacy. If only he were gay, then I would have the great love of my life. So... I guess it is easier to understand why my roomie would look like someone else in my dream. I want him, but I need to keep looking for someone else who is like him.
    anyway... I wake up and go through my morning routine, go to work, and do my best to seem like any other normal person out there. All through the day I can not stop thinking about the dream. At one point, I am talking to one of the guys at work who I used to "play" with. He tells me about the bath house in town and how on Tuesday nights they have a "Blackout Party". While he is telling me about what he did the week before, I am reliving the dream, and the next thing I know, We are in a secluded part of the dealership and are engaged in some very unprofessional activities. It is at that point that I know where I will be going that night. I didn't just fall off the wagon, I jumped!
    A Blackout Party is when they turn off the lights in part of the bath house. When you walk through, you have to literally grope your way through. I soon realized that the thing to do is to find a spot and stand there. Sooner or later someone will pass by and if they are so inclined, they will stop when they reach you, and then all bets are off. After a while of that, I began thinking about leaving. Though my body was responding, my heart just wasn't in it.
    I was in the midst of a tangle of bodies, when out of nowhere I am being kissed. It's weird. It was almost like everyone else just disappeared, and the only one left in the dark with me was this unseen set of lips. The lips were soon joined my hands and arms that held me and then pulled me closer. Soon there was a voice that invited me back to his room. I was hypnotized. He could have invited me to jump off a cliff with him, and like the good lemming I am, I would have done so, as long as he didn't stop kissing me.
    We go to his room and for at least a half hour we do nothing but lay there kissing and touching and talking I swear at that point, sex was the last thing on my list of things to do, but then I realized that he didn't bring me back to his room so we could make out like teenagers. so for the next hour or so, we did the things that two gay me do when in a bathhouse. Afterward, we went up front and had a smoke AND we kept talking. It got to the point where I realized what time it was and began regretting that I had to be up so early the next morning for work. He told me that he wanted to ask for my phone number, but that because of circumstances, he could not promise that he would call. I respect that he was honest about it. I am on a day-night cycle, while he is on a night-day cycle. He said that he wanted to come home with me, but because I have a room mate, he didn't feel comfortable with that, even though I assured him that it was not a problem. I wanted nothing more at that point for him to come share my bed with me, but it was not to be. I still have the hope that he will call, but I don't really expect it.
    As I babble on about all this, I am watching the clock. In a few hours I will be heading back to the bath house for a party. The social club I used to belong to is holding their annual "Bear Hunt Weekend" One of the events is the "Bear Hug" at the Bath house. The wagon I jumped off of is no longer in sight. I am a little bit afraid of how things will go. I know what to expect there. This won't be the first time I have gone to one of these events, but still, I have fear of what will, or more likely, won't happen. I know that sex will be readily available, but will I be able to find someone who will give me what I truly want? Am I going for the right reason? My roomie and his gal pal both say they are excited for me. He says that he is glad that I am finally getting out and doing something.
    He and I had a long overdue night to ourselves last night. We just sat and talked about things that were happening in our lives. We even ended up getting a little bit drunk. He did something that makes it even harder to not want him. HE began to cry when he told me how it makes him feel bad that I am still alone while he has found a woman who he really enjoys spending time with. We hugged several times and even cried a little bit together. We professed out mutual love for each other, and then hugged some more. This man tells me that if is weren't for me asking him to come live with me, he doesn't think he would be alive now. He tells me of how I saved his life, but he doesn't seem to understand that if it weren't for him, I probably wouldn't be here either.
    I feel bad about how my body reacted while we hugged. He knows that I am strongly attracted to him physically. I even think he is coming to terms with that knowledge quite well. But still. I don't want to soil the purity of the brotherly love he is offering to me. I also am terrified that I will begin to confuse the love he gives me for the kind of love I crave from another man.
    He gives me so much of what I need... EXCEPT..... Oh how I hope I can remember the "Except"
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I'm back... yet again... once more... for the time being   Tue Mar 2, 2004 6:13
    My Straight Boyfriend and I are finally moved into the new apartment. It took three days (and several very angry phone calls PLUS a visit to speak to a supervisor in person) to get my cable modem up and running. Now, if only there were someone I could call and complain to about all the boxes that are about the place that need to be unpacked. If there were such a person to call, I wonder how many calls it would take for them to come unpack and put away all my crap?
    Straight Boyfriend (SB) is out again with his new girlfriend (aka friend with privileges) tonight. I guess that he is soon to become my Ex-Straight Boyfriend. That's OK, I guess. I'm pretty sure that I'll survive. Though I will admit (and I have admitted to him as well) that I wouldn't mind our friendship having a few privileges as well. It ain't gonna happen, but I had to be honest with him. He truly has been something of a godsend. Can an atheist use a phrase like Godsend? I honestly don't know if I would have made it through the bad times I have been having lately, if it hadn't been for his companionship.
    I still have a long road to travel before I will be back to something resembling normality. The psychologist ( I finally remembered his proper title) has decided to refer me to a psychiatrist for evaluation. He has decided that continued therapy in conjunction with medications, will help balance me. It's up to me now to decide if I am strong enough to accept it. I don't think I am afraid of the stigma of it all, rather, I hate the idea that I can not control aspects of my life. I have to keep telling myself that I would rather have my friends back in my life. I have believe that it will all be worth it in order to feel genuine joy again.
    Every day, sometimes when I least expect it, someone will enter my thoughts. countrified mostly, but PA it there almost as often. Sometimes I can picture a British transvestite shaking his pom-poms at me. When I need a taste of beauty and class, I imagine the glorious smile of a certain Georgian Peach. And of course I always welcome the the thought of a certain sexy man looking at the workers outside the window of his home high up in the clouds. When I need to remember that I am worthy of love and happiness, my red-headed Irishman, and all the memories he gave me, is there. (Sean, the bear made the move just fine and was one of the first things to be unpacked) I miss interacting with you all, but please don't give up on me. I will be back in force again. I just don't know when.
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The more things change.....   Sun Feb 15, 2004 4:11
    Tonight is a rare treat (if that is a good word for it) for me. My straight boyfriend is out on a date. He's all jazzed about it because he is finally having some female "companionship" after being divorced for over a year. I am a bit jealous though. He is out with someone else while I am at home doing nothing.
    Actually, I am not really doing "nothing". I am packing. We found a great two bedroom apartment and will be moving at the end of the month. I will finally have a living room in which I can watch my DVDs without having to worry about him being offended by what I am watching, and he will have a room where he can sleep in the nude without having to worry about waking up and seeing me slobbering over him. There will also be two bathrooms so now there will be no more question as to who was the one who made the mess and didn't clean it up. (I can't begin to tell you how much I hate seeing hair in the sink after someone else has shaved) There is also a wood burning fire place. A very unusual feature to find in an apartment in Las Vegas. We are anxious to try it out.
    My psychiatrist is beginning to form his diagnosis. He thinks that I may very well have a chemical imbalance. He took note of my eating habits and theorized that by what I eat and how much of it, my body is already trying to compensate for what my brain needs to right itself. He gave me some tips on how to adjust my diet, but like everything else in my life, it is hard to change my ways. I've made a start at it, but so far, it has been half-hearted. I have another appointment just before I move and am anticipating a referral to a psychologist so that I can be put on a drug regiment.
    I continue to fight with myself over who I interact with and when. I've managed to log into mIRC a few times, but no one I knew was on-line. I don't know if I was miffed or relieved about it. Until I can get my head screwed back on straight, I can only hope that my friends and loved ones will continue to understand.
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The mind of a nut case.   Tue Feb 3, 2004 5:48
    Depression does something to you that is really unfair. If part of the reason you are depressed is because you feel lonely, then you get stuck in a catch-22.
    You know that one way for you to fight your depression is to interact with other people. You know that you you should go out and spend some time with your friends. You know you should get on the phone and talk to those you care about. You know you should sit down with pen and paper, or open your email program, and write to the ones who mean something to you. You know you should get up, get dressed, and go somewhere where you can meet new people who you know are looking to meet new people too.
    Now here's the sickening part of the equation... Because you are suffering from depression, you can not bring yourself to do any of that. You want to call your friends and make plans to meet up, but when you look at the phone. you can not summon the will to go to the phone and dial the number. If you are on-line, and it is a time of day when you know the folk you normally talk to are on, you can not seem to find a reason to open the program to talk to them. You care about those people, and you want to know how their day went, or what is new in their life, but it is almost like it is too huge of an effort to click on the link to chat with them.
    **I feel really bad for saying that last part. It reads as thought my loved ones are not worth the effort. They are worth it, and that is part of the hell of depression.**
    If you manage to actually open the chat program, or if one of them picks up the phone and calls you, You have a very hard time focusing on what is being talked about. You really want to hear what they have to say, but you soon find your mind wandering. You become very easily distracted. Then you snap back to the moment, and if it was a phone conversation, you feel like an asshole because you have no idea what was just said to you. Then you get angry at yourself because you feel like you are disrespecting that person. You then start to feel like a liar. You become afraid to show affection for them, because you know they are on to you. You know they will confront you as a fake if you should say something with emotion behind it. You then start to wonder why they continue to invest time in someone who is as terrible as you are.
    If you are lucky, you realize that you are spiraling into a bottomless pit of self-loathing, fear, and sadness, and you claw your way back to the moment, once again. Most of the time, the person you are talking to never even realizes that anything out of the ordinary has just occurred. You decide to just continue presenting a false image that everything is ok, and muddle on through the rest of then conversation.
    When it is all over with, you breathe a sigh of relief because you know that you can go back to the random, disjointed wanderings of your mind. You can go back to familiar feeling of being unhappy with everything in your life. At the same time, you start replaying it over and over in your mind, and you begin another downward spiral. Most of the time you settle into a zombie-like mode, and that's ok with you, because you don't really feel anything at all, and that is way better than feeling bad.
    Pretty much everything in your life goes through similar cycles. You soon learn how to put yourself on auto pilot. It's just easier to do nothing that it is to do anything. You convince yourself that anything that you might do will fail and is therefore useless to even attempt. Of course that kind of thinking is totally wrong, yet you just don't know of any other way of thinking. So each and every day is the same.
    Next Monday I will have another visit with my therapist. I keep telling myself that it will make a difference. I hope I will begin to believe it soon.
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It's alive... It's alive!   Sat Jan 10, 2004 7:34
    The new computer is plugged in and, for the moment, all is well. There is still a lot of data from the old 'puter to try and recover and transfer, but that should be done in the next few weeks. So, until then, I will have to try and remember email addys and site addresses. I am excited to be back amongst the netizens again. I am on vacation for the next nine days so I am fairly certain that I will be able to find something to do to put the new 'puter through it paces.
    Right now, I am exploring to see what is availible to me and what I need to reinstall. Of course, I have the game that my Straight Boyfriend got me for Xmas. It's one of those "on line" games and it came with a thirty day membership. Maybe I'll become hooked on it, and I'll never make it back onto mIRC, but somehow, I think that there are a few folk out there who would beat me if I didn't at least make an appearence there, and real damned soon.
    I have had lots happening lately, and therefore, I have a lot to write about, but for now, I want to play with my new toy. I'll finish here by saying that I can't wait to start talking again to those of you who found a place in my life. I can access the email account attached to this page, so if you need to get ahold of me before I get my normal email account re-established, use the link to the left and I will be able to read it there.

**Michael dances a little jig of glee at the prospect of joining the 21st century again**
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Twas the night after X-mas   Sat Dec 27, 2003 9:19
    Here I am, sitting alone in the apartment. Countrified has come and gone, and Straight Boyfriend is off in California visiting his kids. (He was good enough to leave a note with the password to his laptop so I could use it while he was away.) He got me three gifts for X-mas. The first was a jigsaw puzzle of a mage casting a spell. He saw me looking at it while we were searching for gifts for his kids. The second was a PC game called Dark Age of Camelot. The third, a book by John Grisham, was left for me to find when I woke up X-mas morning. I appreciated the puzzle. I loved the game. The book was the one that made me get misty-eyed.
    It isn't so much that I wanted that particular book. I don't think I have ever even concidered reading a Grisham book. It was because he took the time to search the shelves and had to concider what I might like. Of the three gifts, the book is the least expensive, and has the most value to me.
    For so long in my life, I rarely had enough money to buy elaborate gifts for my friends, so I always had to choose things that meant something to not only the person I was giving it to, but to me as well. Many times that meant some small trinket found in a thrift store that reminded me of a moment of time with that particular person. Now days, I have a little more money to work with, but I still find that I buy gifts for friends in much the same way. I hope that they see the gifts the same way I do.
    The time I spent with countrified was a huge shot in the arm. I did get to give him a nice long hug like I wanted to, but it wasn't until I was saying good-bye. It was great to see his folks as well. I even got the chance to introduce him to Straight Boyfriend. The only down side to the whole visit was something my brain doctor said to me just before I left to meet them in Utah.
    During my third visit with the doc, I mentioned to him how I was starting to become apethetic about things again. I asked him why I couldn't get excited about travelling to see the one person who I concider to be my best friend. He asked me how long I knew him, and I told him that we had been talking for two years now. I knew where he was going, so I pointed out that this wasn't the first time we would be seeing each other face to face. I told him that we had spent hours talking to each other and getting to know each other, and that it was more than just an "online thing" I told him that I loved my friend. He asked me how old countirfied was. I didn't know. He asked me when his Bday was. I didn't know. He asked me again how close I was to him. I was stuned.
    He continued to talk, but I wasn't hearing him. I had to know... How can I tell someone (and myself) that I love them, and then discover that there are things about them that I don't know or can't remember? He told me that I was so lonely and that I desired love so much, that I was transposing that need onto someone else. My mind was creating emotions for others because I wanted them for myself.
    I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I didn't hear anything he said for the next few minutes. I began to question every feeling I have for everyone I thought was important to me. How truthful was I being when I told someone that I loved them? I really don't know what else he said but I soon found myself at the front desk making another appointment. I don't remember the drive there, but I circled the block for several minutes before I finally entered the dealership and went to my boss' office. I ended up taking the rest of the day off, and I went home to think about what I had just learned.
    It was too late to change my mind and not go to Utah to meet him, so I did just that. When I got there, we hugged and there were lots of smiles while we sat down to have dinner, but all I could think about was how I had to tell him that, appearently, our friendship was based on my depression and loneliness. As we were leaving the resteraunt, I told him that when we got his parents back to the condo, that I wanted for us to go somewhere so we could talk. We got back and his folks soon went to bed. I told him about talking to the doc and how I didn't know important things about him. Then I choked.
    I couldn't say anything else about it. It was at that moment that I realized that regardless of motive, I loved this man. He has shown me such caring and compassion when I was at my lowest, and that he had opened up to me when he was having bad times of his own. More importantly, he has been responsible for so many of the good feelings and experiences I have had since I first met him. I still have a lot to think about when it comes to how I deal with people, but I know that when my next appointment with the shrink comes due, I will have to tell him that when it comes to my best friend, he was wrong.
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Technology SUCKS!!   Wed Dec 17, 2003 2:24
    The computer is dead... Countrified called, and the cordless phone died... My alarm clock seems to decide randomly if it will go off in the morning... Even the computer I use at work seems to have issues with me... I wonder if I really belong in a "modern" world.
    Here I am, still at work, and hoping that a manager will not come by and see me using the computer for something other than business purposes. The guy at work who said he would build me a new unit has been sidestepping the subject when I press him about actually going to buy the componets for the new system. I'm running out of time. He'll be leaving on a couple of weeks vacation at the end of this week. I wish I had the brains to learn how to do work on my computer myself, but whenever I try to read up on the subject, I go cross-eyed. I am amazed that I learned enough HTML to do a few simple tricks for when I write here.
    I'm very excited about spending time with Countrified during his visit Christmas week. (perhaps he'll read this before he leaves home and will remember to call me so I'll know when and where to meet him in St G.) It's been far too many months since I have seen my friend, and I hope he'll understand that when I latch onto him for the first several minutes and hug him to within an inch of his life.
    The dealership is closing for the evening now, so away to my humble abode, and another fine meal prepared by my straight boyfriend (He laughs when I call him that, so I told him that was going to be his moniker when I write about him.)
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Home Again   Wed Dec 3, 2003 10:17
    I guess I survived. Though I can say this with all the certainty in the world: I WILL NEVER FLY AGAIN UNLESS IT IS A DIRECT FLIGHT
Editors note: I just deleted 8 paragraphs of me describing my experience of with flying. After the eighth paragraph, I had reached the point where I had just boarded the first plane in my trek. At that rate, I would have been typing all night before I got to the part where I landed in New Orleans.
    Suffice it to say that the flight was far from uneventful. I took dramamine to help with the air sickness issue, and for the most part, it worked. I was a bit disappointed in that I only got to see Chicago proper for about a second as the plane banked after take off.
    I was excited to see Monique and Spencer, My cousin Terri's girlfriend and son, when they picked me up in New Orleans. But most of all, I was happy to finally be on solid gound, and getting away from the airport. After almost three hours of driving, we finally arrived in Oppolusus. For those of you reaching for a map, it is near Lafeyette, West of New Orleans. (don't trust my spelling)
    I actually got to see very little of Louisiana in the day light, but then again, once you've driven about five miles on any road, outside of a city, you've seen just about everything that Louisiana has to show you. My over all impression of the region: There are two types of objects. man made things (ie roads, buildings, and the like) and green growing things (grass, trees, bushes, mosses and wetlands) Everything looks like everything else.
    I was informed by Spencer, who is six years old, that a buyou is brown, while a swamp is green, and I saw pleanty of both. I also learned that while I thought I had it bad with allergies in Las Vegas, I now know that I am totally allergic to Louisiana. My sinuses didn't begin to clear until almost two days after I got back.
    Thanksgiving dinner wasn't quite what I expected. First of all, it was more like Thanksgiving breakfast for me. I was awakened by Terri at 9am (7am Las Vegas time) so that we could be at Monique's parents home for "dinner" at 11am (9am Las Vegas time) I knew full well that Monique's folks are Cajun, and that there would be some dishes served that would be different from what I thought of as a "traditional" meal. Before I continue, let me make it known that the meal was outstandingly good. But aside from the turkey, nothing was "traditional". I never realized that one could make plain white rice into so many different dishes. I missed having mashed poetatos and "normal" turkey gravey. "Rue" is what was served as gravey. It is white flour cooked until it is on the verge of being burned and then water is added. it is then poured over rice. Ham is also something that was the norm in my family. Pork roast is what Moniques family has. All that was served only made my experience there better by reminding me that I was in a place far different than home. I loved it! (I was even a bit hopeful that alligator would be on the menu) The only downside to the day was that Monique had to work (she's a paramedic) We didn't get to see her until later on that night.
    Terri and Monique took me to Bourban Street Friday. Because of heavy traffic, we didn't get to New Orleans until the sun was begining to set. I had hoped that we would get there during daylight hours so I could get some pictures, but alas, it didn't happen. Still, we had a blast. The first thing we did when we go there was to buy three huge cups of frozen daquris. (32 oz.) There are really only three types of stores on Bourban Street. Souvineer shops, bars, and eateries. Most of the shops had exactly the same things for sale, but that was ok, we still had fun finding the things that were different from the last shop. Within an hour I had finished my cup of Daquri, and had bought just about everyone back home a gift. It was then that we ran across a shop that had a big sign out front. "Going out of business sale! Everything 50 to 70 % off! Wouldn't you know it. Almost everything I had purchased was to found in there at a far better price. Oh well... I still had a great time.
    By the time we go back to our motel room, it was almost 1 am. I had to be up at 4am to catch the shuttle to the airport. Terri and Monique passed out almost immeadiately. I wasn't far behind them. I woke up a few minutes before the alarm went off, so, because I didn't want to wake them, I dressed in the dark. I put my bags by the door and went to their bed. Suddenly it was April all over again. This time I was much more quiet in my sorrow. The tears were flowing as I leaned over and kissed each of them on the cheek and whispered that I loved them. I quickly left the room before I completely lost my composure. The only comfort that I was able to find in the situation was that I got to actually say good bye this time. When they moved from Las Vegas last April, I didn't get that chance. This time the idea of travelling to see them doesn't seem so impossible. Difficult, yes. Impossible, no.
    The flight back was even more "eventful", including the nearly 40 minutes of orbiting the Atlanta airport before landing, and then having to wait for three hours for the person who said she would pick me up at the airport when I go home, and then having to call someone else because she never showed up. I work with this woman, and after two days, she still hasn't said a word to me about it. As far as I am concerned, I don't care if she never speaks to me again. (Think of the most unflattering words you can use to describe a woman, and you might be close to what I have been calling her)
    While I was gone, the guy from work has had my computer. He got it back to me today. He still is not able to track down what is causing it to crash so often. I finally told him that I am ready to give up on this one and get a new system. In a couple of weeks, I will begiving him the 'puter again, but this time I will be getting back something that is totally different on the inside. It will cost me $300 to $400, but he will completely gut it out and replace everything with new componets, more importantly, he will only install things that are compatible with each other. If he can keep the cost low enough, I might even be able to afford a larger monitor as well.
    Ok... so I've been sitting here all night, and as I look at my watch, I realize that I have to be up for work in six hours. Good night, Gracie.
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....Leaving, on a jet plane....   Tue Nov 25, 2003 6:39
    Ok.. I am so freaking out right now. In 9 hours I will be on a plane traveling to the other side of the country. Before this, the longest flight I have made was about 45 minutes. That was about 15 years ago. I hate flying. I am so afraid of what might go wrong. I am almost certain that I will screw something up and miss my connecting flight. I am afraid that I will end up getting airsick on the person sitting next to me. to top everything off, I just heard on the news that President Bush is flying into Las Vegas a few hours after I am due to leave. What if they tighten security so much that I miss my flight? OMG!!!!!!! I am insane!!!!!!
    I had so hoped that I might have been able to meet BriBoyChicago, and maybe even Cailet, during my lay overs, but circumstances make that next to impossible.
    Radio Guy is doing his best to keep me calm and remind me that it is nothing more than simple air travel. Sometimes I really love the guy. Even as I am writing this, he is playing mother hen, making sure I don't dilly-dally about and have to do a bunch of last minute packing. He keeps trying to get me to sit down and have some booze. 1) to calm me down; and 2) so I might actually get some sleep before I have to be up at 4 am to get showered and dressed. Right now I have so many butterflies in my stomach, that I don't even think there is room for anything to drink, but I guess I'll give it a try.
    So... as much as I want to just sit here and type my l life away, I have to get off my ass and finish packing all the little things that I won't need on my trip, but if I don't take with me, I will be miserable without.
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Food! Glorious food!   Fri Nov 21, 2003 4:48
    I just finished yet another wonderful dinner that my roomie made. He's been great at having something ready (or nearly so) when I walk through the door after work. Not everything that he has made has been to my liking, but he puts a lot of effort into it, so I am reluctant to tell him not to make that dish anymore. I swear I would be the happiest man on the planet if he had an exact twin who just happened to be gay. So far, with only minor privacy inconveniences, everything has been great.
    The one thing he does that drives me crazy is that when I am watching something on TV, he will start talking to me about something. Now you have to understand something. There isn't a lot of TV that I like to watch, but the few things I do watch, I follow religiously. I don't want to ignore him, but I also don't want to miss some aspect of the story I am watching. What's a man s'posed to do?
    Last Friday was his birthday. I had fun planing and attempting to surprise him with plans for dinner and a movie. I was very Machiavellian about it. I pretended that I had forgotten all about it.then on Friday, I called him from work to set it all into motion. According to my plan, I called to tell him that some friends of mine had just purchased a new dinning room set, and needed a hand moving it into their home. In exchange, they were going to make dinner from us. there were two reasons for that particular lie. One was to make sure that he wouldn't have dinner waiting for me when I got home, and the other was to steer him into wearing something slightly better than casual dress. He said that he would be glad to help, as I knew he would, but he wanted to know what time they were planning on eating as he had made plans to go bowling with his cousin that night. That's when I discovered that I hadn't planned as well as I first thought I had. I stumbled about mentally for a moment, and then blurted out that he wasn't making it easy for me to surprise him. Suddenly I had to modify my plans to include a third person. I was so lucky that it wasn't too late to change the reservations at the restaurant, and that Baskin Robbins had a larger ice cream cake available on short notice. Anyway... Long story, short... The three of us had a great time that night. Radio Guy and I didn't get home until almost 5am. He was trashed, and I was a zombie from being up for almost 24 hours.
    I wanted him to know just how much I appreciated his friendship. The day I nearly had my melt-down at work, I came home and he listened to me and allowed me some comfort by giving me a hug and letting me know that he loved me. I was floored by that, but I found that I wasn't able to say it in return. The only way that I could say it was by doing my best to give him an evening where he was the most special person around, and that I was willing to do what ever he wanted (socially) to make him happy. It did bother me a bit when instead of getting what he wanted at dinner, he settled on something else because of the price. I was prepared to spend whatever it took to give him a night to remember, and he was too much of a "considerate fool" to understand that. Three days later he was still saying thank you, so I guess I did alright.
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Anyone remember me?   Thu Nov 13, 2003 7:33
    Well... I have my computer back up and running... yet again... for the time being...


    The week end with the herd of children wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, but it wasn't as good as it could have been. I went to turn on the computer to send off a quick email and then play a game to keep me from climbing the walls when I discovered that the hunk of junk would not boot up. I've been going nuts because a few of my friends were left hanging, and I had no way of contacting them to let them know what had happened.
    It's now almost 11:30 at night, and I have to be up very early in the morning. My appointment with the brain doctor is tomorrow, and I have to go into work early to make up for the time I will be away from my desk. It will be strange to talk to someone about problems I am not currently experiencing. Since I last made an entry here, my state of mind has started swinging to the other extreme. The last few days I have actually been feeling pretty normal and have had the illusion of control about me. I've been through it often enough by now to know that it is temporary, so to the shrink I go.
    On a personal note: The image of a certain cheerleader was something that helped when things started getting tough
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Crash and burn   Tue Oct 28, 2003 6:03
    There comes a time when you have to admit to yourself that you can't do something without help. I have been going through the motions for the past few years thinking that I am only going through a phase, and that things will sort themselves out. I was wrong.
    I thought that by writing things here I would be able to conquer my demons and force them to disappear. I thought that by putting "pen to paper", as it were, and being honest with myself, I would find out why it is that I do so many of the things that I do or find the root cause to why I always feel so out of sorts. I had hoped that if it stared me in the face, I would not be able to look away from it. I was wrong.
    Friday morning my boss asked me to come to his office. He showed me something I had done wrong and reminded me of the correct way of doing it. No big deal. It wasn't an ass chewing. As I was leaving, he asked me if everything was ok. I went into auto pilot and told him that everything was fine. He said that he only asked because for the past several months I seemed to be un happy. He said that he never saw me laughing or joking with any of the other guys anymore. I told him that lately it was just because I was dealing with yet another ear infection. I could tell that he didn't believe my lie. He asked if there was anything going on in my personal life that maybe he could help with. I finally admitted that there was something that I was dealing with, but tried to pass it off as just having a string of sleepless nights. I apologized for allowing it to interfere with my work and that I would try harder to not let it get in the way. I told him that I would be better after my trip to Louisiana Thanksgiving week.
    The whole time I was getting really irritated, and I started thinking, "Who the fuck are you to stick your nose into my life?" All I wanted at that point was for him to shut up and let me go back to work. He let out a little sigh, and and said that I was missing the point. And that he wasn't looking for an apology. He was just trying to let me know he was concerned. I blew it off by saying that I was ok, and then asked him if there was anything else. He looked at me a second and said no.
    It took me a few minutes to realize, but from that moment on, I was fighting with all my might not to break down and start crying. I had to act like I had a sneezing fit while I was dealing with a customer on the counter, just so I could step away for a minute to compose myself. I kept telling myself that if I could only make it to lunch, then I would be ok. I was wrong
    I spent my lunch hour sitting in my car weeping and mumbling to myself. I felt like I was sliding down into a deep dark hole. I came back from lunch, clocked in and went to my boss. I stuck my head in the door and asked if I he would meet me after work for a drink. He looked puzzled, and asked me why. I told him that I needed to talk to someone other than my boss.
    About an hour later, when everyone was back from lunch, he came up front and announced that someone needed to cover my position because he was stealing me for a project. He then led me out the back to his truck and we left the dealership to go to a fast food joint. He asked me what I wanted to drink and then we went and sat down to talk. I admitted that I had lied to him about how I was doing ok. I told him about how, lately, I feel overwhelmed by everything. I told him how all the things that used to make me feel good had lost their appeal. I talked about how I was starting to feel like I did just before the last time I made an attempt. I told him that I needed help, but that I couldn't even figure out how to get it.
    My boss had talked before about how he was taking meds because of a chemical imbalance. From the way he would talk about it, I knew that it was far more complicated than just an "imbalance" and that was why I went to him. I asked him what he did to get back on track. He swore me to secrecy and then began to tell me about what he was going through before he had a the same conversation that we were having with someone else. He told me about how the person he talked to recommended a doctor to him, and that it took a little bit, but they finally found a course of treatment that worked for him. He said that when we got back to the dealership, he would give me a card with the doctors name.
    I had some trouble actually getting through to the doctor's office, but was finally able to set up an appointment today. The bad part is that I have to wait until November 13th. After a few questions, I was told that if there should be a cancellation, I would be moved up. I just don't know if I can wait much longer.
    I don't think I am going to actually do something stupid, but the thoughts are becoming more frequent. I realized some time ago that the main reason that I still smoke, and so heavily, is that I found a legal way of doing it. Whenever I feel out of breath, or maybe some sort of pain in my chest, I think about how I am getting closer to finishing the job I started a couple of years ago. Hell. I don't even enjoy smoking anymore. I hate the way I smell after smoking one and I hate that it costs so much. But still I continue to do it. Hell while I have been writing this, I have had six or seven cigarettes. But in my mind, I think to myself, "They can't force you into the hospital for observation for smoking."
    Again, I tell myself that I am wrong. I am wrong for thinking that just lying down and giving up on life is the solution. I am not a believer in an after life and any rewards for a life well lived are received while living. I am so tired of going through each day so messed up that I can't even recognize a reward when it is presented to me. I want to wake up in the morning and know that no matter what happens, I have the courage to face it rather than get mentally beaten by the slightest set back. I need to know that I do not have to have someone in my life to feel complete. I need to learn how to be happy again.
    My boss said something to me that put things a bit into perspective. He said that if it should turn out that my depression is cause by an imbalance rather than because of events, then I will have to learn to accept one fact. He said that I will have to act like I had a disease that is treatable. He said that it would be as though I had something like diabetes. I will have to take medication for the rest of my life to remain healthy. I don't care. I just want to stop feeling like I do now.
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Is this thing on?   Thu Oct 23, 2003 7:47
    I had to endure another week without my 'puter, but, with luck, this will be the last time for a while. It appears that I have access to my LVCM email account again, but all that was in there was a bunch of spam. I wonder how much (if any) was reported as "undeliverable"?
    I've spent a little time reading the logs of some of my on line friends, and it seems to me that I have a bit of letter writing to do, even though it will feel a bit awkward to me after being out of touch with most of them for so long.
    One of the guys sent a surprise to my alternate email addy. Wonderful pictures of a Fall-like setting. (Naked men in a corn field... MMM-MMM!!) Though from now on, I will be more careful about which emails I will open when I am at work. Fortunately I was quick enough at closing it when one of my co-workers walked up. I'm 99% certain that he didn't see anything.
    Two more days and I will finally have a week end!!! Two whole days in a row to go places and do things!! My plan is to go out with Radio Guy on Saturday and look for yard sales. Then later, go have dinner with two friends and maybe see a movie. Sunday is up in the air, but I hope that it will involve other fun and/or interesting activities. I wonder if I will actually make it out of the apartment.
    I've been thinking about doing Underwear Night at The Eagle. All I have to do is show up, l drop my drawers and I can drink for free while watching all the really good looking guys walk back and forth in their skivvies. It'll be hard... I mean... it'll be difficult to do nothing more that look. I wonder if Radio Guy would be willing to tag along with me to the gay bar, and act as my chaperone? Pro'lly not.
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Back to normal?   Wed Oct 15, 2003 4:31
    Miracle of miracles.... I don't have to work every freakin' Saturday anymore! We've gone back to a rotating, which means every third week I work a six day work week. I'm ok with that. Now I have the option of actually leaving town to go and visit the folk I left behind when I moved to Las Vegas. I can even think about joining another social club again. The plan of working at the community center didn't pan out, as they wanted someone who could devote more than a few hours a week. The part I like best is the fact that I will actually be able to rest and relax. Having just one day off at a time just didn't allow for that.
    I'm starting to get a bit nervous about my flight to Louisiana. I've only flown a few times before and they were 30 minutes flights. Now I am faced with the idea of being in the air for several hours, and having to make connections in parts of the country where I have never been before. I worry that I will get lost at O'Hare miss my plane to New Orleans. I worry that I will be so air-sick that there won't be enough barf bags on the plane to accommodate me. Of course, there is the concern of things that I am sure most air travelers have thought about for the last two years. For as long as I can remember, I've always hated having my feet off the ground. Hell... I get nervous standing on a step stool. Yet I requested a window seat.... Go figure.
    The computer continues to be my nemesis. There are times when I can do what I want to without a single problem, and then there are times when just starting it up is more trouble than what it is worth.
    One of the things that I have to face is the times when I can get on line, why I don't spend more time maintaining the contacts I have made on line. I don’t know why it is. I mean, I truly care about, and miss several of the folk that I talk with, but for a while now, I find that after a few minutes I start to get antsy. I begin to feel like things are not as they should be. I get sad that all I can do is type out emoticons and describe actions to someone instead of really being able to smile at someone or give them a hug and a kiss. I hate that when PA called me right after I moved into this apartment, I didn't recognize his voice. I love these people, but it hurts knowing that even though I am investing myself into building a relationship, it may never be more than an "online thing". I guess that is why I find that I am spending less and less time in the chat rooms.
    I wonder if Dairy Queen makes a Prozac Smoothie?
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Busy week end   Mon Oct 6, 2003 8:19
   I've really missed having the computer to go on line, or even to just sit and play computer games. I haven't really been on line all that much lately anyway, but just the idea that I couldn't go online when I felt like it, was like not having your car to go for a drive when you wanted to. (Incidentally, I was without a car for five days as well due to mechanical problems.) I've had my computer back for a week know, and though it still isn't working the way I want it to, I can once again go back on line.
   It isn't as easy as it used to be to use the chat program that allows me to talk to the folk I have spent the last few years getting to know, but I can do it. Coming to Livelog was a bit hard, until I finally remembered the password to gain access. But the biggest hurdle I have yet to clear is regaining access to my main email account. (If you wish to send me a note, the email button on this page is the only way I can receive it) I'm not even certain that email being sent to my main addy will be made available to me when I do regain access. (So, if you have sent something to me in the last couple of weeks, I hope you understand why I haven't responded to it.)
   Something of a disappointment occurred over the week end. Calibear and his partner were in town, but because of reasons beyond my control, we were not able to meet like I had hoped we could. He did call me, but I wasn't home at the time. It was nice to finally have a voice to put with the face. He left me a long message, and as he was about to tell me a way to contact him, time expired and the machine disconnected the line.
   Radio Guy saw how frustrated, and unhappy I was with the situation, so he took matters in hand, and tried to give me a good week end anyway. He made a fantastic dinner, and we proceeded to get drunk. Then this morning he made a wonderful breakfast. We then went out and spent the whole day finding yard sales, went to a swap meet and other such unproductive yet mind occupying activities. I swear, if he were gay, I'd ask him to marry me. I wanted to give him a big hug to let him know how much I appreciated what he did. I didn't do it because, though I am completely open with him about my sexuality, and he says he is ok with it, he still tends to flinch a bit when I touch him.
   I finally got the plane tickets to see my cousin for Thanksgiving. I had to give my cousin's girlfriend my debit card number so she could go on line to buy them. She did all the searching and decided that Travelocity was the best choice. When I talked to her on the phone about it, she failed to mention that I wasn't getting a direct flight to New Orleans. On the flight there, I have a lay over in Chicago. It gets better... On the return flight, I have to go to Atlanta before I can get home. Of the five days of vacation I will be using, two of it will be spent in an airplane, an airport, or traveling to or from the airport. I freely admit that I am whining about it. I'd much rather take a direct flight to and from New Orleans, but I also know that Monique did her best to find me the best possible price on the tickets. I love that gal for doing it for me. I will say this though. In the future, I will not go through an online service like Travelocity again. I would rather pay the extra $50 or so for a shorter flight time, instead of loosing so much precious time with my cousin's family.
   It's misnight now. I am still a bit hung over from Saturday night, and had a very full day. While sleeping, I can only hope that I will dream of spending limitless days with the people I care about.
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Uh Houston... We still have a problem...   Wed Oct 1, 2003 3:35
   This will be short and sweet. I am still experiencing technical difficulties. If you have written me an email recently, it is still on my server and I am unable to access it at this time. On top of everything else, the new firewall hates me. It won't let me go to a lot of the sites I used to, nor does it like the idea of me using mIRC. Sooner or later I will learn how to tame the beast within my 'puter.
   To my friends: There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Know that I miss being able to link up and chat away. Until then, keep the home fires burning for me.

>b>B>{)}
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Black clouds over head   Tue Sep 9, 2003 3:39
   I could go on and on for several paragraphs, but to make a long story short, I am fucking mad as hell! Everything about today has set me off. I am so angry I almost feel like I could cry. Hell. I just might after all.
   I use the word "hate" fairly freely at times, but today I REALLY mean to use the word with it's full force when I say I hate the assholes I work with!!!!! I wouldn't shed a tear if I were to wake up and learn that one or two of them died horribly during the night. I might even go so far as to say that I would probably dance a little jig of joy upon hearing such news.
   I hope Radio Guy Catches on to my mood when he gets off the phone. If he's smart, he'll just back off and give me some space tonight. I'd hate to have to jump on his ass right now about the cigarette burns on my couch.
   GOD!!! Why is it always one extreme to the other with me? Either I am sad and moping about, or I am ready to rip someone's head off and shit down their throat.
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WOO HOO!! A two day week end!   Sat Aug 30, 2003 3:41
   All day long I had to listen to the other guys at work talking about their plans for the long week end. I friggin' hate that I have to work every damned Saturday! If I didn't have to work tomorrow, I'd probably be packing a few things for a trip to California to visit with a few friends. If my cousin still lived in town, maybe we would have gone camping in Utah. Hell. Just having three days in a row to do nothing but watch TV would be nice.
   I just reread that, and I feel kinda embarrassed about whining like that. I suppose I should think about it this way: I could very well have the whole week end off because I didn't have a job. And if I didn't have a job, then I would probably be living out of my car right now, instead of in a decent apartment. And instead of the frozen pizza I will be having for dinner, I could very well be rummaging through a garbage can for a bite to eat. At least I get two days off.
   The guy at work has be getting less and less subtle about how he wants to come over and "play" with me. I was very close to telling him that I would ask Radio Guy to disappear for a while on Sunday so we could have some privacy. I am craving contact with another person so much that I am willing to give up my standards just for an hour or so of some sex. It's been so long that I doubt that I could even last a half hour before I shot off.
   I've found myself thinking about what it might be like to try and seduce Radio Guy, but then I remind myself just how bad an idea that would really be. I really like the guy, but in no way do I want to risk any bad feelings between us. I still think he is a great looking guy, but that's as far as I want to let myself go with it.
   It hasn't been as hard living with him that I thought it might have been. Yes it is a little difficult when I want to play on cam, and he is still awake, but it's not anything that will cause a grudge. Right now I am sitting at the desk in my underwear, and he is sitting behind me watching TV. Even though he says it doesn't matter to him, I think he is a bit uncomfortable that I am wearing so little. but I am determined to try and live as comfortably as is practical to the situation. Normally, I would strip down to nothing the moment I walked through the door, but to me it would be rude to do so with him in the room. beside, I am far too uncomfortable with my body to be sitting nude next to a fully clothed and good looking straight guy.
   I have been bold enough to play after he has gone to sleep. The Kid and I were having a session the other night, when Radio Guy woke up to use the restroom. I don't know how much he saw (if anything) but it was kinda exciting to think that maybe he was pretending to be asleep and was watching me when I wasn't looking his way. A couple of times I've thought about what might happen if I didn't wait for him to fall asleep to open up the cam and go to town. Gads I am such a pervert!
   Suddenly I find myself thinking about Countrified. Four more months til I get to spend time with him again. Well... closer to five, as it won't be 'til the end of December. Now I'm chuckling to myself... "A friend like that, you don't eat all at once" It's still funny, so I'll laugh. It makes missing him a little more bearable when I have something to laugh about. Now that I am thinking about him, I think a phone call is in order. I sure hope he is home.
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All by myself   Sun Aug 24, 2003 19:17
   Radio Guy is away this week end visiting his kids. I came home from work Saturday to find that my new computer desk was finally assembled, and a note attached saying that he might be home this afternoon or at the latest this evening. I did a little happy dance as I was able to strip down to nothing and walk about the apartment nude. He has told me that he doesn't care if that's what I want to do while he is here, but I am a closeted nudist. The last person who saw me with out my clothes on was the last guy I was intimate with.
   For as much as he tells me that he has no problems with my being gay, Radio Guy feels the need to say out loud (several times a day) that he is straight. Sometimes I think that he is reminding himself, rather than me, of that fact. I hope that I am totally wrong about that impression. There's nothing worse than making an assumption about someone and then being totally wrong. They usually end up pissed off at you and you usually end up feeling so embarrassed that you start avoiding them.
   So here it is, Sunday morning. This is the first time in close to three weeks that I have been alone in my apartment. How quickly and easily I fall back into old patterns. Yesterday (after I did my happy dance and stripped) I turned ont he computer and started playing a game. I fell asleep on the couch at three in the morning, woke up at eight-thirty and came back to the computer. The only thing different so far is that while I have been typing along here, I have added to the routine the task of doing a load of laundry.
   I really need to motivate myself and go out to get some stuff. Groceries would probably be a good thing to have. For some reason, I have convinced myself that I need a coffee table. I have been keeping my eye out for one for a while now but there have only been two that I liked enough to buy. One was found at a used furniture stare, and when I went to go pick it up, they couldn't find it. I guess they had someone else who was willing to pay more for it. The other I found at Walmart, but after some serious thinking about it, I wasn't willing to pay the price they wanted. I hate it when my Scottish side rears it's ugly head.
   I am so dumb when it comes to spending money sometimes. I will actually drive five miles to buy, for instance, Diet Coke from Walmart for 20 cents less that it is at the grocery store that is across the street from my apartment complex. Ok that doesn't sound that dumb, until you consider that if I am so frugal that I will go to all that trouble to save on diet coke, then why is it that when I go to lunch each day at work, why do I drive to the Jack in the Box that is also across the street from my apartment complex and spend six dollars for a meal instead of driving to my apartment to fix a meal for a third of the price? The dumbest thing of all is that instead of buying stamps so that I can mail in my payment for the power company, I will, instead, drive to the other side of the valley and wait in the drive thru lane for up-wards of a half hour and then drive back. I am probably using a dollar's worth of gas so I don't have to buy a thirty-four cent postage stamp. So tell me. Why do I do things like that, but balk at the thought of spending eighty dollars at Walmart for a nice coffee table and end table for the side of the couch? I really need to find a man who has some sense and will smack me when I do things like that.
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There's no place like home   Tue Aug 19, 2003 7:27
   I am into my second week of living in this new apartment, and already it feels like I have been here for ages. I feel so much better about living here than at the old place. There is more room (or there would be if I ever got around to completely unpacking) here than at the old place, it is newer, so it is in better condition, and best of all, I am LOVING the central air conditioning!! It has been well over a hundred degrees every day for the last couple of months, and being able to come home and be comfortable is almost more than I can stand. Having a dish washer has allowed me to start cooking meals again rather than doing fast food every night. Yes. I hate doing dishes so much that I would rather buy take out food than have to wash up pots and pans after a meal. Finally, I love that I can wash my clothes anytime I want to. No longer do I have to fight over an old machine with a latino woman for the privilege to over pay to wash my clothes.
   Moving in was a total nightmare. Everything that could have gone wrong... did. To start things off, I came down With a case of food poisoning Thursday night. I was so sick that I couldn't even stand for more than a minute or two before feeling like I was gonna faint. After almost passing out in the shower Friday morning, I called my boss and begged him to believe that I really was ill and that I wasn't calling in sick so I could have more time to move. Don't even ask about the fiasco with getting the truck to actually move my stuff. the original plan was that I would leave work Friday night and I would move all the boxes that night, and then Saturday my friends Frank and mike would come over Saturday to help me move the big stuff. Well, I was so ill that I couldn't have moved the boxes even if I had the truck to move them with. Frank and Mike showed up Saturday to discover that I had only managed to move my clothes and a few boxes. To top it off, I was so weak that I could only carry one box and then I would have to sit down for ten minutes to catch my breath. We got most of the stuff moved Saturday, but by 6pm, I was to the point where I was at my limit and the act of standing up and walking was taking all the energy I had. Frank agreed to come back on Sunday and help me with the last few items. If it weren't for the two of them, I would probably still be trying to get my stuff over here. If there were ever the chance that I would have a first born, it would surely be given to them as a down payment on what I owe them.
   Radio Guy moved in the Tuesday night after I moved in. I was a bit ticked at him for not being ready to move and then calling me at the last minute to help him pack and load his stuff in the truck. He called in sick to work that day and admitted to not doing much but drinking beer and napping on the couch until that evening. He called me at 8pm asking if I would come help him load the truck. By the time I got there I discovered that he had next to nothing even packed. For the next three hours I rode his back until it was all loaded and he turned in the key. We didn't get his stuff to my place until well after midnight. It didn't' bother me too much that it was so late, as Wednesday's are my day off, but he had to get up the next morning for work. By the time we got his stuff into the apartment and got him settled, as much as possible, it was after 3 am. It sure sucked to be him the next day.
   Sunday morning, before Frank showed up to help me with the last of the stuff, something happened that made all that I went through worth it. PA called me! It had been so long since I had heard his voice, that it took a moment, and a whole lot of prompting on his part, for me to realize it was him. We talked for a good long time, and through it all, I was grinning from ear to ear. It's hard for me to describe how happy I felt that he called. And just yesterday, I finally remembered to buy a calling card, and was able to give Countrified a call to let him know I was alive. We talked for a while, and he reminded me that I will be able to see him again in December. I can't hardly wait til then. Sometimes when I am day dreaming, I think about just hopping in the car and driving the 800 or so miles to surprise him, but then I remember that I have no idea where he lives. I mean, how fun would it be to drive all that way to his town and then have to ruin the surprise by calling to get directions to his home?
   I was able to stop by the chat room for a little while tonight. It has been almost two weeks since I have been on line, and I was really missing the gang. Even though my new computer desk isn't put together yet, I decided that it was time to hook up the computer for a bit and get in touch with the world again. As I am writing this, Radio Guy is sleeping on the couch. It feels weird to have someone in the apartment with me after living alone for so long. He still hasn't gotten comfortable with the living arrangements. Even after week, he is still asking me if it is ok to do things including stuff like washing his clothes. I have to keep reminding him that he is paying half the rent and that if he wants to do laundry, he doesn't need to get my permission. hopefully he will loosen up a bit by the end of the week and we can settle into a routine.
   I have just looked at the clock, and realized that it is after 11pm already. How easy it is to fall back into the trap of being on the computer all night. I live further away from work now, so I have to be up earlier than I am used to. In other words, I need to stop babbling here and get my ass into bed.
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Love letter   Tue Jul 29, 2003 10:19
   I wrote a love letter tonight. I have written very few in my life, but never have I written one like this. I wrote it to my friend.
   After all that I have been through in my life, I find that saying "I love you" to someone is next to impossible, unless I really mean it. Oh sure... It can be said in different ways: ok, I love you, bye-bye; Love you; Luv ya; I love you, man!; or even I lub yas. But when I think about the phrase, I love you, it has a power that is ageless and unstoppable. Everyone wants to hear it, but it only sounds right when you say it to certain people. Think I am full of shit? Try this the next time you are passing a complete stranger. Stop them and stand directly in front of them. Look into their eyes. Make a connection with them, and then tell them with all the meaning in your heart: "I love you."
   I bet you will be feeling anything but what the words you just spoke. Top of that list is probably going to be embarrassment and a sense of ridiculousness. "Why the hell did I just tell this complete stranger that I love them?" You may feel shame. "Why did I just lie to this person? I don't know them. How can I love them?" Maybe you are one of those rare people that you can, in all honesty, say that you have a love for you fellow man. In that case you will feel warm and fuzzy letting someone know that you think they are a special person, no matter who they are.
   Now think about how you would react if a complete stranger stopped you on the street and did that to you. I have a feeling that the first thought in your head would be, "This person is a freak!" Maybe you would feel a sense of embarrassment and a fear that maybe you were being ridiculed. You might even be angered. "Who is the jerk and why are they bothering me?" Maybe, just maybe you are one of those rare folk who can accept the love of someone else unconditionally. You would probably feel warm and fuzzy from being on the receiving end of someone's good thoughts for you.
   Now try this. Go to your spouse, or your child, a family member, your pet cat, or even your best friend. Caress their cheek, pat them on the shoulder, kiss them on the forehead, Hell, kiss them full on the lips if appropriate. Look them in the eye. Take a second to make a connection. Tell them with all the meaning in your heart: "I love you"
   Right off the bat, I am willing to bet my life that the first thing in your mind is, "I really do love this person." And if not that, then: "God that felt good to say!" You would probably feel a sense of contentment. Maybe even relief. "I've been wanting to tell you that for a while now, but had to wait until I saw you." Maybe you even feel a touch of love for yourself at the same time, because you know that you just let someone know they are important and special to you. Maybe you are a rare person who has a love for your fellow man in general, but this person you just said something to means a whole lot more to you that some stranger on the street.
   Now think about how you would feel if someone important to you stopped you and did the same thing. I don't know if I could do justice to those feelings by trying to describe them here, but perhaps you are thinking one, some, or all of the following: "Wow. I wasn't expecting that". "Mmm... I love this person too". "This is turning out to be a good day after all". "God that felt good to hear". "I really needed to hear someone say that to me'.
   Are you beginning to understand how I feel about those words? Do you see why I think they are so magical and awesome? Do you know why I use them for so few people, but so freely for those few? My only regret when I use those words is that there aren't more people to whom I can say it.
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Fallin' off the wagon   Wed Jul 23, 2003 3:09
   I am trying so hard to "keep it in my pants" tonight. It's my Friday (part I), and I am in such a mood. Celibacy is easy when you don't have a choice about it, but when you know you can go out and get "it" then being good is hard. To top it off, Radio Guy is wanting me to come up and keep him company for a bit tonight. He is so nice to look at. I know he is straight, but with the mood I am in, I really think that it might not be a good idea to be alone in a small room with him. I'd hate to lose it and say or do something to make him uncomfortable.
   Well. It's shit, or off the pot time. I am gonna shower the day off of me and head on up to Radio Guy's place. I have to go there eventually anyway. I left my towel there when I came home Sunday. All I have to do is to keep thinking about UN-sexy things. Girls.. me naked... naked girls... me and naked girls! yeah thats what I'll think about to clam my libido. Me and naked girls in the same room.
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Previous 25 | I am a worrier by nature, and I can't help but worry how my friends will react when they read some of this. Do me a favor guys. Please try to keep any comments out of the chat room. I'm not sure if I can discuss some of this there.